I chose to write this on physics after I had seen Red Dwarf, Star Trek, Dr. Who, Blakes Seven etc., make a complete balls up of explaining anything.

How come there were only three people in Blakes Seven, and none of them were called Blake?
Can somebody please explain how the "Warp Engines" work?
Here's one that has bothered me for some time, why does Scotty always say, "Och, if I give her anymore she'll blow, Captain." Is there some sexual subtext to this?
If there is, think of this, did you ever see a woman on the early Star Trek series (Apart from thingy on communications)? And I'm sure they didn't carry sheep on a star ship.

Albert Einstein said, "The faster you go, the heavier you get and the longer you live." I am sure he wasn't considering racing drivers when he said this.

There is only one physicist to look out for at the moment, Dr. Stephen Hawking. His book "A Brief History of Time" was bought by every intellectual with a coffee table. I don't own this book, but I am reading "A Timely History in Briefs" which uncovers the hitherto unknown relationship between the Y Front and the Boxer Short.

The Main Feature

This article is meant to be about particle physics (if you don't believe me, look at the title), so on with the show.

Imagine being a sub-atomic particle, you have been around since the big bang, waiting to be discovered. When you are eventually found by some tank-top clad physicist you don't get given a macho name like "Top" or "Up", no, you get named "Bottom". What a let down.

It could be worse though, take a look at the following list of all the other particles discovered to date:

Tackyons:	Cheap nasty little particles that are better forgotten.
Baccyons:	Small particles that fall out of badly made roll-ups.
Cantons:	Very tasty little particles you can order by phone.
Inventorrs:	Particles that cheating physicists make up to balance a tricky equation. (See gluons).
Gluons:	Particle track that cheating physicists glue onto a bubble chamber photograph to make it look as if something new is happening. (See inventorrs).
Marks & Spensors:	Good value particles that return to where they came from if they don't fit a given equation.
Zircons:	Look like real sub-atomic particles, but on closer inspection are completely bogus and worthless.
Suckons:	The most attractive particles in the universe. Gravity is entirely due to the action of the little suckers.
Wheezons:	Slow moving particles that seem to have trouble catching their breath.
Bonbons:	Sweet little particles with a light dusting of sugar.
Dadooronrons:	Good time parties that move in jiving sort of path.

The Unknown Mysteries

The Big Bang.

IN SPACE, NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU SCREAM! let alone go bang, so this is a non-starter.

Time.

If a stopped clock is right twice a day, how many times a day is a perfectly functioning clock right?

Space.

Contrary to popular belief, Space is not huge. It's just somewhere to be huge in. If you took all the space in the universe and put it in a milk bottle, all you would have is a milk bottle, but an increadibly empty one.
Although it's not there, space is affected by gravitational fields. In the presence of a large mass, space becomes dented. A bit like a fat lady sitting on a bed. This is why the path of a beam of light bends as it passes a star and hence why you can never see pavorotti properly at any of his concerts.
I'm sorry I had better stop now, this is getting too much like "Darksuckers".