David Louise Jordan

(his parents had wanted a girl) was born in the Washing-Machine and Kitchen Appliances section of Curry's, much to the horror of the YTS worker who was attempting to sell them a dishwasher at the time. Apparently his shock was only marginally worse than of David's mother herself; up until that point she had always believed the unborn-David to be a bad case of water retention.

David attended Mrs Alice Primm's Ballet School for Boys and Girls, just like all normal psycopaths of his age. He progressed through his classes in leaps and bounds; specifically, wearing ballet slippers and a tu-tu. By the time he had reached the tender age of 17 his academic momentum had reached such a state that he could swan-lake-kick the class bully without thinking twice. Not that he ever thought that many times anyway.

It is a little known fact that David is one of the few people to be richer than William Henry Gates III, with the added bonus that his name is far less pompous. He has managed to keep his mush out of the Guiness Book of Records and Who's Who simply because he spends his money so fast the publishers don't think it's worth putting an entry in. Besides, his advertising sucks. David made his first billion whilst working at Mr and Mrs Phatgits Health Farm; he smuggled chocolate bars in during the dead of night and re-sold them to the inmates at ridiculous prices. This massive increase in profit at Cadbury's in turn made their share prices rocket, most of which David had secretly bought up several weeks previously. Eventually David had so much money that he secretly bought Cadbury's; this perpetual money-making machine has kept him living the life of luxury ever since. It has been calculated by Professor Steven Hawking that the only way to crack David's zillion-dollar empire is to put Pavarotti, Meat Loaf and Russell Grant on severe diets.

When David is not having rival drug-barons assassinated in Cuba, setting up crackpot dictatorships on small islands in the Caribbean or breaking into peoples houses and putting silly messages on their answering machines, he passes the time by Studying at Aston University, driving badly, and participating in those talkers which give the Internet a bad name.

Likes : Burgers from "Oscar's", Dilbert, doing nothing all day, being anti-social, and Courtney Cox out of "Friends"

Most commonly used phrase : "Quite spectacular..."