What exciting show do we have lined up in this issue?

Well, first of all there's all the usual gunk you'd expect, including lots of exciting info about the magazine itself, some quick scribblings regarding the authors, the obvious little disclaimer so that no-one can sue the pants off us for anything we write or claim, and The Credits, where we make up lots of names to make it look like we have loads of friends, and we thank the budgie for being there for us when we needed it most. Lots of pompous self-glorification there for you to read!

Special Feature! We begin our tribute to pavement furnature by concentrating on the most overlooked hero of our time: The bollard

Then we come to the magazine itself!! First off the mark, in silk shorts and Nike running shoes we have the literarysection, including

• Comics, a lovely little documentary about 20th century reading material for the masses.
• How to advertise effectively.
• a Short Story, from the people who brought you "10 ways to hide the fact that your flies are undone."
• and an excerpt from our new sister magazine Crankwatch.

After this we come to the Academic section of the show, when we give you a fascinating insight into:

• The A-Level Experience, including
  • Mathematics
  • Physics
  • Computer Studies
  • Chemistry
  • The Library THE HORROR!
  • The Canteen
  • and a guide to Student Life Generally, including a guide to the library.

• And lastly, The Students Charter, a list of criteria you must fill if you intend becoming a student.

If all this were not too much already for the average human cranium to bear, we present the Science and Technology section of the mag.

• We give an extensive crash course for those who want to be a doctor
• Our very own resident Physicist tells you all about Particle Physics
• Even how to build your own Particle Accelerator!
• We have the Complete Guide to DIY Space Travel
• And we conclude this section with a list of Inventions for you not to try.
• Learn the computer industry's secrets. Find out How Compooters REALLY Work

But for those who are not at the forefront of science and scientific discovery, don't worry;

• We give our regular Handy Household Hints section.
• As well as a few How to .... tips, as collected from YOU the public in our recent Market Research Campaign.
• For your culinary delight we prevent hours of mealtime heartache by providing the definitive review of Onion Rings - aided by the artist previously known as Stuart Raithby
• We finish with our regular Astrology section, where a very fat man who is obviously rather short of money tells you all about how you should be running your life, but never actually says anything interesting, noteworthy or even remotely coherent.
• The Scribblingz Consumer guide. Designed to make your life so much safer.

For those of you who are keen to travel the world, meet interesting people, and kill them, we present the Scribblingz guide to Holidays

• We help you choose you holiday location in Travelling with Paranoia, an in-depth guide to take with you on holiday
• We also provide a list of popular destinations, provided by one of our less well-balanced contributers, Stuart Raithby
• To help you interact with the natives, we trust our Quick Translation guide will come in useful.
• To help Johnny foreigner get a taste of good old British culture (ha!) we present The Little Goblin in Germany

For the Lifestyle section of the magazine, we present

• Bloik! A club devoted to those keen on regurgitation
• How To Spot a Towel/Tampon advert (a vital guide for the young gentleman of today)
• Things To Do When You're Unemployed
• and Getting Old (It happens to us all eventually...)
• The Scribblingz Competition page!

Lastly, and in every way leastly, we present Forthcoming Releases from Blasphemous Software, some Loose Stuff which we haven't found a home for anywhere else, and ultimately The Curtain Call, where you should all throw flowers and whistle.