The basic techniques for brain surgery are quite good fun but after a few simple operation the thrill wears off. At least that is the case if you are doing the operating. After all there's little more to it than making a hole in someone's head and poking about with a sharp stick and a torch. Even trepanning becomes boring after a while. However spectacular it may once have been to whip off the top of a guest's head at a party, you will gradually, if not suddenly, find yourself less in demand as a fun person.

Actually, brain surgery is more than a party piece so these early attempts will stand you in good stead should you decide to take things a bit further. Dexterity and experience are important if you wish to tackle more adventurous projects and you ought to try some incredibly difficult techniques.

Unless you have a gift for working with mirrors and a very high pain threshold, you will need subjects to assist your studies. In some respects it is useful having a single subject willing to undergo several ops rather than cluttering your house up with lots of people having just one. You will save time if you can fit your colleague with a sort of miniature cat-flap. A more sophisticated and certainly less draughty solution is to cut a screw thread around the edge of a circular portion of skull. A small brass or pine cupboard knob can be obtained from most good hardware stores and screwed into the centre to facilitate removal when required. If you are not sure that your home handicraft is up to this, and old sink drain plug will do the trick.

If you are not fortunate enough to have such a cooperative friend, try advertising in your local paper. DO NOT just go into the park and start hitting people on the top of the head with a mallet. This is exhausting and time-consuming. Invite them home first. You should also bear in mind that it is a legal requirement to obtain the patient's signature on a consent form before starting to operate. In my own experience I find that the best time for this is after the anesthetic has been administered. With a credit card or driving license as reference, use elastic bands to fix the pen firmly in the patient's fingers, grasp the wrist and write clearly and neatly.

The 180 Degree Turn

Turning the brain completely around inside the skull is definitely incredibly difficult. It is also somewhat pointless, but good practice for later. Do not try to turn it through more than 360 degrees. If you get over confident and keep going round, the spinal cord will wind up and your patients legs will spin rapidly. Don't try to get round this problem by strapping their legs down as the spinal cord is likely to twist into those lumpy knots like you get on model aircraft and they will concertina your patient into a dwarf very suddenly. Turning the brain through less than a circle, say 180 degrees, will necessitate making two small holes at the rear of the skull to enable your patient to see out once the operation is over.

Brain Removal

Removing the brain altogether is also fairly tricky. The human brain is actually only one part of the central nervous system and should be removed with all its component parts intact. Make sure that your hands are clean and dry. Brains are notoriously slippery and it is a good idea to place absorbent kitchen towel over it before grasping it firmly and pulling it in a single, continuous movement. If all goes well, the brain should come free with the spinal cord and all the peripheral nerves in one piece. If you think that this is a bit tricky, wait until you start trying to put it back. A useful tip here is to use knitting needles to poke the nerves into position.

Do not feel tempted to skip this stage because it is very bad form to wander off and leave someone completely empty. If the worst comes to the worst and you damage or hopelessly tangle the network of nerves you will just have to pack the spaces with crumpled up newspaper and make up the spare bed. Anyway, a spare brain is always useful as a source of parts for other operations you may perform, and will last for quite a long time in the fridge. They look very like cauliflowers so I should keep it in a separate box and write BRAIN on it. If you or one of your friends are a bit of a whiz with electronics you could wire it up to an electric typewriter and have yourself a very inexpensive home computer.

Cosmetic Brain Surgery

Actually, brains are not terribly attractive parts of the human body so there is plenty of scope for improvement. Yet the number of practitioners of cosmetic brain surgery is very, very small. In fact there aren't any at all, so here is an ideal opportunity to get in the ground floor of what could easily be become a highly lucrative sideline. Because this is such a new field it is not easy deciding where to start, but California would seem to be as good a place as any. With a little thought you could bring a whole new approach to the concept of inner beauty and have film stars falling over themselves to employ your services. The most obvious problem to tackle is that of wrinkles. Even those blessed with a perfect skin have brains that are a mass of unsightly creases and folds. In order to deal with these effectively you should remove as much of the skull as possible to give you plenty of elbow room. Ideally you ought to remove the entire skull as this has the added advantage of avoiding the need to shave portions of the head. Just cut round from the corners of the mouth to the nape of the neck and ease the skull upwards.

Brain Wrinkles

The quickest and simplest way of getting rid of brain wrinkles is to make a small incision in the base of the brain close to the Medulla Oblongata. A bicycle pump can them be inserted into the Corpus Callosum and the entire organ inflated until the wrinkles pop out leaving the surface beautifully taut and smooth. The main drawback of this method is the difficulty in replacing the skull. A liberal application of olive oil or washing up liquid will help considerably, but do not risk bursting the brain by forcing too hard. In such a case you should release some of the air, but this should be done with great care to avoid the possibility of your client flying round and round the room making rude noises.

If your client is unwilling to accept even the few shallow wrinkles left in this instance you may have to remove the hair from the skull and transplant it directly into the brain's surface. Ears can be transferred in the same way and a heavy application of make-up should put matters right. A slower but less problematic method is to grout the folds and fissures with a spatula and plastic filler. Using gentle strokes you can then apply moisturizer, foundation, powder and blusher in that order for a really beautiful brain that looks young and feels young.

Be the life and soul of the Party

Once you have become a real dab hand at brain surgery, you could tackle the really big jobs like brain transplants. Start with something fairly easy like mice or beetles just to get the hang of it, then have a go with some of your friends. Just think what fun you can have after a dinner party by swopping the brains of your guests. Especially if you chose opposite sexes. How you'll all laugh at their confusion when they decide to use the bathroom!

Bionics

If you feel like expanding your skills you might like to consider bionics. Again this is a field at quite an early stage of development, so you can break fresh ground. Use your experience as a brain surgeon to build some really intriguing people. A Junior Construction Set, household items, and of course that brain in the fridge you've been wondering what to do with, can all provide the basis for making a new friend.

Skin will be something of a problem, of course, but a lot can be done with papier mache and paint. Complete familiarity with human brains can lead to even more delicate projects such as working on miniature brains, like those in household pets. Selective surgery could help our little friends in such areas as personal hygiene, training, overcoming neuroses or depression. But DO NOT attempt such delicate work until you are absolutely sure you have learned everything necessary from working on larger brains.